Pretty standard pick-up line, right?
So, I’m not totally blameless in all Tinder shenanigans. I have been known to start some shit on there before…
When I was detoxing from my over-medication incident a few months ago, I was finding it very hard to sleep at night. I was anxious, I couldn’t relax and I couldn’t focus on a book. So I did what any reasonable human in this scenario would do; I turned to Tinder.
The beauty of Tinder is that it’s always there. It’s always going to be a source of entertainment. Whether you’re laughing at the pictures (next post, I promise) or the messages you get (again, another post, I swear!) there is always fun to be had when messing around on your Tinder app. Sometimes, I swipe right on a guy I already know just to see if he’ll also swipe right too. Now, that’s a meet cute and a start to a rom-com! Or I’ll swipe right on a person who I have a whole bunch of Facebook friends in common with, just because I think it’s funny and could make things super awkward. And yes, guys will send you ridiculous messages, but I’ve been known to send out some absurd ones myself from time to time, just to see what happens.
This all started about the time I was all scared about what to do when I started dating, so I decided to do a little experimenting on Tinder. I wanted to see what would happen if I just told guys what was going on with me. What they would say. How they would react. So, I wrote this message:
It can get some attention at least!
Now, let’s get honest about this message. No, I do not have some pretty cool tattoos. At the time, I had the beginnings of one awesome one and two other small ones, one of which has almost faded away. But I figured I needed a little something to lighten the mood after I dropped the tumour bomb on them… So, I sent this message out to a fair number of men and here are the results of this bizzaro , not even remotely scientific experiment I ran.
I have a picture of me with monkeys up on my Tinder profile. Some men seemed more intrigued by the monkey than anything else. This one was both intrigued by the monkeys and wanted me to know he was horny.
Yes, I’m super-monkey!
One wanted to go for a beer, but was simply put off by my location, but never any mention of the tumour, which seemed like a gentlemanly thing to do. But just to be clear: He doesn’t do the Toronto thing.
Geographically Undesirable
Then there was this delightful offer:
Yep, that’s Tinder for you
Definitely persistent and no, I’m not sending a friend
Some who ignored the topic completely:
I wonder if he even read my message….
One whose friend also had a brain tumour:
It’s a small world on Tinder, I guess…
Some were curious about the tattoos:
He wants to know all the deets…
They are rad, it’s true
One who seemed to think it was a pop quiz:
Not a test buddy, relax…
One who was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to stay out late, which I kinda get:
I actually can barely make it until 2 anymore
One who wanted to make sure that I didn’t get pooped on by the monkeys and that I didn’t have tattoos on my boobs:
Boobs, tattoos and monkeys. Guys are really focused on those things.
One who turned it into a weird riddle:
A riddle! Which never did get answered…
Guys who turned the monkey thing into something dirty:
Again with the monkeys!
But out of the 30 or so messages I sent with this blunt message, only 12 didn’t respond. I’m not really sure what that says. It either means that guys on Tinder really don’t care what you have to say, only that they’re hoping to get laid. Or that they can’t be bothered to read the message you send them. Or that they’re more intrigued by monkeys, tattoos and boobs than brain tumours and seizures. But maybe this bodes well for the future of my dating life. Just remember: show off tattoos, flash a little cleavage and bring monkey, if at all possible.
tumourgirl 